The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug: Play-by-Play
by Addira
Summary: Play-by-Plays: my thoughts during movies, unless they are in between two parentheses. Now I will warn you all that I have read the book, I will comment on that but I won't be that person. (I'd like to point out that I haven't read the Lord of the Rings books… yes see parentheses! So this means I went back in editing to write this. Why did I put that... you guys aren't stupid.)


Play-by-Play: the Hobbit – Desolation of Smaug

(Due to the possibility of the story being deleted from the site, I needed to form this as a story. So, you'll be following the commentary of an unnamed female character)

-OoOoO-

She sat nicely before her computer as she had the remote firmly in hand. She tugged her long orange blanket over her feet to fight the cold as the air conditioning was far too strong in the basement of her home. Her courageous hand left the warmth of the blanketed bundle she had constructed around herself to begin recording. As the red light began bleeping she began her typical introduction with a smile.

"Welcome to the Hobbit Desolation of Smaug aka the Hobbit 2 Play-by-Play!

As I watch a movie, may it be an Action movie, Disney Musical, Horror movie, anything I automatically think of either: smart, stupid or random things. See I suffer from a speech disability where I can't shut up during movies. It's just as annoying for me, believe me. The Play-by-Plays are my initial thoughts unless they are comments in between parentheses and the bottom of the screen. Now I will warn you all that I have read the book, I will comment on that but I won't be _that_ person."

She gave a knowing look to her webcam, sometimes she thought that she could see people through it… it made her feel slightly more normal. Talking to herself before a red light and a small camera wasn't doing great things to her social life.

"As usual, all thoughts and opinions expressed are of my own and are in no way meant to insult or offend. I do not own these movies and I do not (do not!) claim that I do.

Some mature language. Depends on the day. Also, there are references to many things. You are not insane. If I say something like: "Yippe kaye motherfucker!"

Yes. That's a Die Hard reference. If I say "I am Michael J. Caboose and I hate babies!" Yes, that's a Red vs Blue reference. Catch my drift?" She sat back to get the movie going when she remembered something, and bolted upwards.

"Also, this is the first time I watch this movie so I might add another chapter if I watch it again with intent on adding on to the present play-by-play.

Without further ado: Spoilers ahoy!"

She sat back comfortably and began the movie.

-OoOoO-

"I wonder how old that lion is in the logo. He hasn't changed much from what I remember."

-OoOoO-

"Just a warning I will say "In the book" a lot." She rose her hands in her defense. "Before you close your tab in annoyance, I'm not _those_ people as I've mentioned before. Alright, let's begin."

-OoOoO-

"And the first thing we see is the director's cameo in Bree. How old is that carrot anyways?"

-OoOoO-

"Hey Thorin, just cause they're looking at you don't mean they're going to fuck you up. I mean Strider starred Frodo down and he became a main plot point. But that dude with the bug eyes, he's probably evil."

-OoOoO-

"Gandalf likes the Prancing Pony doesn't he?"

-OoOoO-

"We don't see how Gandalf and Thorin meet in the book. I like it."

-OoOoO-

"I wonder if he always does classified and crucial business in common pubs. He's a man before his time that Gandalf."

-OoOoO-

"Why wasn't '_12 months later' _in the hobbit font? I mean, they trade marketed it themselves but they don't use it?"

-OoOoO-

"Ah the White Orc. You don't exist in the book either but that's ok. I have Game of Thrones syndrome so I hope you have a horrible and gory death. " She gave a smile that wasn't considered creepy based on Game of Thrones fans standards.

-OoOoO-

"Oh my god yes. THEY KEPT THE BEAR! I loved him."

-OoOoO-

"_He will help us or he will kill us."_

"Oh, are we on Pandora? They say that at least 5 times in the travelling pamphlet."

-OoOoO-

"Thank god they didn't keep the book version of meeting Beorn. It's so long…"

-OoOoO-

"Aww they locked him out of his own home."

-OoOoO-

"I'm very interested to see what they do with the Pale Orc considering he doesn't (technically) exist but I have a theory."

-OoOoO-

"Please don't be angsty because of the ring. Please don't. We've had enough of it from Frodo."

-OoOoO-

"Bolg, the Hobbit equivalent of Lurtz."

-OoOoO-

"Who wants to bet Viggo went onto the set of the Hobbit to buy a horse just for the fuck of it?"

-OoOoO-

"You can automatically assume that when a character has a backstory that's dark and really deep – it's made up. "

-OoOoO-

"Elven gate? For the fuck of it Gandalf should have said _Melon_. Because it's the elvish word for _friend_!" (Yes, yes I know Lord of the Rings happens later.)

-OoOoO-

"Yes Gandalf leaves in the book, but he doesn't give any explanation as to why. We don't know why he does it and shows up later on really randomly. Oh Gandalf you sly rascal!"

-OoOoO-

"Awww Bilbo pulled a Pipin! …... and then he got high? What."

She frowned but let the scene proceed. After a few seconds of watching the movie throw seemingly unrelated images to her face she gave up.

"Let's just assume that the whole sequence is supposed to be confusing."

-OoOoO-

"Bilbo. Do you see the path going up the side of the tree? No. Get yo ass down. You bloody fool."

-OoOoO-

"YES! The spiders don't look like Shelob." She rose her index finger to attract attention to what she was going to say.

"Sidenote: No it doesn't happen that way. Yes this way is better cinematically. Yes he does use the ring a lot in the book too. No he never sees the eye." 

-OoOoO-

"The spider voices are gross."

"Could have stabbed him with the ring on Bilbo, you drama queen."

"Ha. Sting. That's cute. I bet it does more than sting."

-OoOoO-

"Well, move the spider before you pull its legs off, you weirdoes."

"Why does Bilbo always fight alone?"

"_Mine_."

"Haha! Oh you. Just the way he said it. _Bitch please, it's mine."_

"Why is he nauseous? (Maybe because he killed something due to his growing affection to the one ring? I don't know.)"

-OoOoO-

"Ah yes. Legolas… not in the book but once again, let's hope you are in the Hobbit for a reason and not just a crowd pleaser."

-OoOoO-

"How have the elves not tried to domesticate the spiders yet."

-OoOoO-

"Hehehe Kili the damsel."

-OoOoO-

"Tauriel, not in the book."

As the movie proceeded with it's scenes, she decided to pause to further explain something that she had on her mind. Her hand slowly creeped out of her blanketed fortress, hesitant over her choice. But then her fingers acted on their own and paused the movie.

"Actually let me put it like this: Not a single elf had a name yet when Tolkien wrote the book. Not even Thranduil. His name was Elvenking, or something of the sort. He was named shortly after Tolkien began brainstorming for The Lord of the Rings.

In short: Legolas, Tauriel, "Thranduil", Galadriel, Saruman, Radagast the brown, the Pale Orc & Necromancer are not in the book. Is it bad that they put them in the movie? Oh God no! It makes the movie interesting to those who've read the book. I like theorizing in movies – hence why I love watching Game of Thrones so much— so I have my own theory as to what they are going to do and I love it!"

"For the record: Radagast the Brown was mentioned by Gandalf but only briefly and I forget how we know about the Necromancer but we just do, he's mentioned at one point. I haven't read the book more than once and it was in 2012 so give me a break." (Nope, Elrond had his name, but I forgot about part one).

Her hand sneaked back out and unpaused the movie, before the movie would send dialogue her way she quickly figured out where she was inside of it, plot-wise.

"Ok so spiders, Kili and Tauriel ok. Alright and I'm back in."

-OoOoO-

"Aw the first dwarven woman and she is blurred!" (I'm pretty sure we could have paused in Hobbit 1 but who has that time?)

-OoOoO-

Her arms rose up in sheer happiness.

"GIMLI!" Her smile spread to goofy lengths as she recalled her favourite dwarf.

"Gloin was my favourite when I read it because of Gimbli."

"_This is Gimli son of Gloin."_

"I may or may not have freaked out when I immediately connected Gimli and Gloin. I love that the movie made it clear for everyone else.

Aww Gimli has an axe in the picture."

"_And my axe."_

"Sorry. I can't stop the nostalgia."

Her palm made it's way to her forehead for a moment.

-OoOoO-

"Nice try Fili. Elves can see through your bullshit."

-OoOoO-

"Douche Legolas… where have you been all my life?"

-OoOoO-

"Why did his eyebrows have to be black when he's got a full head of blonde… this I will never understand."

-OoOoO-

"Ohohooohhho! That's a dick joke! That was a dick joke! The immaturity in my humour is buzzing."

-OoOoO-

"You my son are _smitten_."

-OoOoO-

"He isn't tall for a dwarf at all… why do I do this to myself. Now I'll be hunting down a height chart during the entire movie. Damn it."

-OoOoO-

"_But no less ugly_."

"How old are you, three? Insults don't hurt unless they're creative Legolas."

-OoOoO-

"The echo must be a killer in there. Not to mention useful for the captors and prisoners." She paused the movie and spoke in a different voice, as if she were speaking to an audience during a two-character monologue.

"Hey yo king? They're trying to escape."

"How do you know?"

"I heard them from the hallway."

(Narrator: mere moments later)

"My King, they've probably escaped."

"Why do you say that?"

"We can't hear them snoring. Dwarves snore my king. Cuz they ugly." - Brofist with Legolas." She smirked at her own humour and, looking into the webcam, she added,

"Mirkwood Elf bonding 101." And resumed the movie.

-OoOoO-

"Why not just drop Gandalf's name? Isn't he loved by all?"

-OoOoO-

"What the shit happened to your face Thranduil? Also, what a dick. Pretty loyal to the source material."

-OoOoO-

"_He's grown very fond of you."_

"Well that explains his three-year-old attitude. Gandalf said that exact line in the Lord of the Rings… when the hell did he say it…"

Her eyes widened as she just realized what she had done. Her hand was brought to her forehead.

"Great. Height chart and the Gandalf "fond of you" line."

-OoOoO-

"So… Kili has a rock. Good job lad. Why do you have a rock?"

-OoOoO-

"Please tell me she's on guarding duty."

She waited a few seconds.

"No of course she's not. What was I thinking."

-OoOoO-

"Kili, I fucking love you. Screw with the elf for a bit, why not? You're going to be there for a while fuck it!"

-OoOoO-

"Kili. Your love eyes are showing. No don't put them away. They are fucking adorable."

-OoOoO-

"Why…. Hm. Why is Tauriel even bothering with Kili… I mean…? Sure, he's cute but he will be in that cell for the rest of his life…. Meh. I guess she just wants someone to talk to or confess in. Might as well be the dwarf that is apparently a bit taller and that can't talk to anyone else."

She stopped, trying to decide if Tauriel was a genius or dimwitted. She decided on the latter.

"Actually… good call Tauriel!"

-OoOoO-

"Yay! Height chart for these two! He is… just about a full head shorter than she, tops."

-OoOoO-

"Why hello there, Hawkeye."

She eyed the webcam as if it were sighing in disapproval, as many fans had a tendency to do.

"… What? The Avengers used "_Legolas_", someone had to call Legolas "_Hawkeye_". Things have to come full circle you know."

-OoOoO-

"_BILBO!" _

"Ah yes by all means. Yell it louder; I don't think the king heard you."

"_Shhh! There are guards nearby!" _

"Thank you Bilbo."

-OoOoO-

"Now, in the book… the dwarves are kept in there for a long time. I don't remember how long but thank god they didn't keep that in."

-OoOoO-

"We all know how much liquor it takes for an elf to have a "_slight tingle in their fingers"_. I'm scared to see just how much booze the barrel guards took to be shitfaced **and** passed out."

-OoOoO-

"Seeing all the dwarf heads pop out of the barrels is so bloody adorable. They're like meerkats! And meerkats are super derpy!"

-OoOoO-

"The next Disney ride?"

-OoOoO-

She frowned, unimpressed.

"Kili. It's just an arrow. Pull the lever. Boromir was still a juggernaut after three arrows. Also, Kili the damsel returns!"

-OoOoO-

Her arms arose from the comfort of her lap to outwardly point towards her screen.

"He could have fallen on the bloody lever! Kili, I am disappoint."

-OoOoO-

"Why is Legolas fighting so hard to keep the dwarves alive?"

-OoOoO-

"Oh hello Radagast. Sidenote: The score is beautiful during this part."

-OoOoO-

"Well you seemed to grasp the whole war concept rather quickly there, Gandalf. It takes you a while later on in the future."

-OoOoO-

"_I think we've outrun the orcs."_

"You mean _out-barreled_ them right? The river did all the work. Had it come down to running you'd be one less dwarf."

-OoOoO-

"Ahh! There he is! The actor that looks like OrlandoBloombutisn't! They had to make him archer didn't they? Unless Bard was already an archer…" (Yes. Yes he was. The fact that he has a major resemblance to Orlando Bloom is also coincidental.)

-OoOoO-

"I suspected it but… OH SHIT SON. ELVES CAN CURE MORGUL POISON. DAWWW SHIT. KINGSFOIL! GO GET IT! KINGSFOIL IS A WEED! Sorry. Please pardon the sudden burst of Lord of the Rings quotes… this will probably happen again." (And it does.)

"KILI THIS IS NOT YOUR DAY MAH BROTHER! BOOK!KILI HAD IT SO MUCH EASIER."

-OoOoO-

"_Why did you do that?"_

She smiled as she tried to put on her best child!Legolas impersonation.

"Geez dad gross. I keep telling you to not do that. Now what do I do with the head. Eww this is gross. I'm not picking that up, this is your mess."

"_You promised to set him free."_

She pouted and crossed her arms with a shrug.

"Fine Legolas, don't use the script you obviously really wanted to say."

-OoOoO-

"_And no one leaves it." _

"Well we know Tauriel is probably already halfway there by now."

"Thranduil's hair is so luminescent in that light."

-OoOoO-

"_What about Tauriel?" _

"Fucking called it."

-OoOoO-

"_Man Flesh." _

"They've picked up our trail!" She said with a deep voice and extended '_rail'_ sound. She smiled and shook her head, ready to apologise.

"Sorry. I tried to push the nostalgia back, I really did, but it won. Again."

-OoOoO-

There was a sudden burst as her eyes widened and the movie was instantly paused. She slammed her hand, albeit a bit strongly, onto the coffee table that held her computer in sudden realization.

"FRODO!" She yelled, her eyes off into the distance. "FRODO IS VERY FOND OF BILBO!" She slummed backwards and into the couch cushions as her body transformed into matter that was similar to the viscosity of jello. "Aaaaaaah so much off of my shoulders. Now all I need is a height chart to compare the dwarves… which will now be hard considering Kili will be limping…" she frowned her brows, "… _probably_." She added.

-OoOoO-

"FIIIIIIISSSSHHHHHHHH!"

-OoOoO-

'Of course the bitch has a unibrow."

-OoOoO-

"I like the look of lake town. It's nice and pretty but then look closer and it's a slum on a lake. I like it."

-OoOoO-

"Pugs? Were those… all right. Let's move on."

-OoOoO-

"A lot of new characters in this movie alone. I still can't name all of the dwarves…" She paused for a few seconds and proceeds,

"Lately a lot of movies haven't been too strong on naming/introducing the characters but so far it's ok."

-OoOoO-

"Ok, his kids are pretty old. Well _older_ than I thought they were going to be. He looked too young of a dad to have kids that age but that might just be me."

"_If you speak of this to anyone, I'll cut you arms off."_

"What a great first experience with a dwarf. Although considering how the kid reacted I'm guessing he was expecting some sort of rude slur, based on all the fucks he gave."

-OoOoO-

"Let me guess. There's one last black arrow left."

-OoOoO-

"SHE SAID _MELON_! _MELON_ IS THE ELVISH WORD FOR FRIEND! SHE MAY ENTER THE MINES OF MORIA!"

She paused as she looked outwards towards nothing in particular; she realized that she had lost the nostalgia war.

"I'm dreadfully losing the battle against my brain here."

-OoOoO-

"Why did they give Kili the weapons?"

*He falls down the stairs*

"See, I didn't even have time to write down why that was a bad idea and shit hit the fan."

-OoOoO-

"Kili is about average height for a dwarf actually. The height chart I used: Thorin's big reveal in Lake Town."

-OoOoO-

"Is Thorin running for election? Hell I'd vote for him with that speech."

-OoOoO-

"The great master of Dale needs some serious hairstyling. I can't even look at it."

-OoOoO-

"_I belong with my brother."_

"Fuck yeah you do. Bropower."

-OoOoO-

"Alright, so Bofer was asleep under the table,

Kili is injured,

Fili is staying because = bromance.

And the diplomatic dwarf is staying because he is too old for that shit.

Who else is ditching?"

-OoOoO-

"There's a lot of ruins in this movie. I love it."

"And they smudged the name of the movie in there. Oh wait a minute. There's the diplomatic dwarf! …. Then who stayed with Kili, Fili and Bofer?"

-OoOoO-

"Yo Radagast, just send off the birds you keep under your hat to warn Galadriel. Get some use out of the wildlife."

-OoOoO-

"That wasn't exactly a secret door. It was obvious as fuck. At least it wasn't in the waterfall."

-OoOoO-

"Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's down the door will go!"

-OoOoO-

"Alright! So far we've got:

Triple ponytail/I use my spoon to find secret doors - Nori

Diplomatic dwarf - Balin

Gimbli's dad - Gloin

I fell asleep under a table - Bofer

Team sexy - Fili, Kili and Thorin"

-OoOoO-

"You always keep the key you moron."

-OoOoO-

"Moria used moonlight on it's door too. Do they not know their own people?"

-OoOoO-

"Big fingers, small nails those dwarves."

-OoOoO-

"Sucks to be you Bilbo."

-OoOoO-

"KINGSFOIL! THEY DID IT! My knowledge of Lord of the Rings will keep all of my friends alive." (Also, that orc's time is insanely off. By _soon_ he meant in the middle of the night the next day. How is that _soon_?!)

-OoOoO-

"Ok they are straight up quoting Lord of the Rings."

"_It never ceases to amaze me."_

"_What?"_

"_The courage of hobbits."_

"Just two mentions would have been all right. I'm drowning here!"

-OoOoO-

"Yup Bilbo, sucks to be you there too."

-OoOoO-

"Gandalf, please use your magic now."

-OoOoO-

"Well that lightning was useful. Please use it again soon. Preferably at the final battle… instead of swinging your sword around, do some serious mayhem."

-OoOoO-

"expectoooo PATROONUUUUUUUUMMMMMM!"

-OoOoO-

"Well fuck, sucks to be you too Gandalf. So it sucks to be Bilbo, Gandalf and Kili right now."

-OoOoO-

"Don't you hate it when you have too much gold you can't find what you're looking for? #MiddleEarthproblems."

-OoOoO-

"Good reflex Bilbo – oh shit! Dragon eye let me hide."

"Why was he doing the thinking man just there… he'll see you easily."

"Come on! Wake him up! I want to see the dragon!"

-OoOoO-

"He's… he's beautiful… Smaug is beautiful.

But Bilbo, if you didn't piss yourself just there, then you had nothing in your bladder."

"Your ability to talk is insane Bilbo. I would have died on the spot."

-OoOoO-

"Hey! What do you know! There's one arrow left!"

"You think they would have invested in black arrow making. The Dragon isn't dead yet."

-OoOoO-

"_My armour is iron!" _

"Really? That's the strongest material you could think of? I would have said diamond myself, but you don't see to have a blue tint to your scales so I guess Iron is better suited."

-OoOoO-

"_A black arrow? Why didn't you tell me?"_

"Because you would have lost it you little shit."

-OoOoO-

"Ben. Alright, we have a name for the son."

-OoOoO-

"Well, Gandalf, call up your moth/butterfly again. You'll be needing him soon."

-OoOoO-

"How did the orcs make it to Lake Town?"

She paused and shrugged her shoulders with a non-committal _meh_

"I guess they got in the same way the elves are going to."

-OoOoO-

"Where did all the villagers go…?"

-OoOoO-

"_I'm going to save him." _

"Don't say it, do it! They just said that they were losing him did they not?"

-OoOoO-

"A little late to the Party there, Thorin."

-OoOoO-

"Great Thorin just had to go all Isildur on us."

-OoOoO-

"Saved by the Dragon much?"

-OoOoO-

"So the dwarves would have just let Bilbo get impaled by Thorin? For some shiny rock? Really? The fuck?"

-OoOoO-

"So... wait… did he just… ok. Stop, back it up."

She watched the clip again and re-affirmed her confusion.

"So… Thorin was on fire then they changed sets, he gets up nonchalant, gets rid of the burning parka and walks it off? I don't know what to call this between_ bamf_ and _director error_… I mean he did look like he was getting roasted and was definitely in pain."

-OoOoO-

She smiled, her bright teeth visible through her parted lips.

"Damsel Kili strikes again! Third time's the charm."

She continued on the thought of Bard's house.

"For such a small house it has seen a lot of species, action and people. While we are on that subject… Where ARE THE VILLAGERS? There isn't one _Good Samaritan_ in the bloody town? Not one that can fight and defend Bard's innocent children from Orc invaders?"

-OoOoO-

"Do all elves know how to use Kingsfoil or do they just use it for everything." She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe it's the Pepto-Bismol of Middle Earth, for the extremely poisoned."

-OoOoO-

"THERE'S THE SHINY LIGHT!" She waited a couple seconds.

"But he didn't pass out. Kili, you're supposed to pass out after the light shows."

-OoOoO-

"_We've given him the slip." _

"I can name 10 reasons why you haven't lost Smaug, off the top of my head."

-OoOoO-

"Why aren't there never any handrails in Middle Earth, do they not care about the security of their people?"

-OoOoO-

"Aww he has a hazelnut pillow."

-OoOoO-

"I'm pretty sure they said something about the elves and their healing powers in the original trilogy but …oh hang on. Something is happening."

"_Tauriel…"_

"_Lie still."_

"… no."

….

"No. No stop it."

"… NO."

"OH NO. NO, NO. NO FEELS I SHALL FIGHT YOU. GAH NO DON'T, STOP. MY POOR SHIPPER HEART. IT HAS BEGUN. SOMEONE SEND HELP."

-OoOoO-

"How long have these dwarf corpses been there for? Not looking too good for the dwarves in Middle Earth to be honest. In this trilogy or the first one. If you pick the dwarf species in those '_Who would you rather be in middle Earth'_ quizzes I'll just assume you like death and solitude or you are in love with your axe. I'll still be judging you though. You know it's a bad choice to choose the dwarven life."

-OoOoO-

"Where the hell are THE TOWNSPEOPLE?!"

-OoOoO-

"Bombur! We have another one!, 

Triple ponytail/I use my spoon to find secret doors - Nori

Diplomatic dwarf - Balin

Gimbli's dad - Gloin

I fell asleep under a table - Bofer

Team sexy - Fili, Kili and Thorin

The large one/barrelling blade storm - Bombur."

-OoOoO-

"But Smaug! They just gave you a shower, why so mad?"

-OoOoO-

"FEAR MY WHEELBARROW!"

-OoOoO-

"No handrails and nothing to stop people from falling/tripping into the rivers of lava/molten steel/magma looking stuff.

They just want the stupid ones of their species to die off before they can multiply."

-OoOoO-

"_You cannot go to Lake Town!"_

"Smaug: challenge accepted."

-OoOoO-

"They only pissed him off. Now he's a gold-crusted Smaug that's going to destroy Lake Town. All they wanted was a golden Smaug statue!"

She eyed the webcam, with a '_don't even try to deny it'_ look.

"We all know we wanted to see it."

-OoOoO-

"THERE ARE THE BLOODY VILLAGERS! WHERE WERE THEY BEFORE THIS POINT!? _Let's remove the background people because it's convenient for us and now the make-up people can sleep in. _I hate it when movies do this."

-OoOoO-

"_What have we done?"_

"Do you really want me to tell you what you did or…? Bilbo just read this thing again and you can figure it out."

-OoOoO-

"Damn that's a damn good – LUKE EVANS! _aka: discounted Orlando Bloom_. I keep forgetting his name."

She paused as a song caught her attention.

"Wait hold up… is this Ed Sheeran? Well I've got some music to listen to obviously."

-OoOoO-

Once the end credits rolled off of the screen, she turned to the webcam and smiled.

"So this was the Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug aka Hobbit 2 Play-by-Play! Thank you for your time! Have a great day and remember my _melons_: Kingsfoil is a WEED."

Her fingers went to the recording option and clicked

End.


End file.
